Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Frustrations and Doubt and Faith OH MY!

I am SO frustrated today! It seems everything with Keliah's adoption is moving in slow motion. First there was the 3 month wait for Matt's medicals to be released. We were supposed to have our dossier in China by now, February 4th to be exact. Our agency had to ask for an extension.

I was certain once we sent off for our I-800A application things would pick up. In fact, we were able to get our fingerprints done 2 weeks before our actual scheduled appointment. We were fingerprinted on March 7th, and they have received and accepted our fingerprints, but we still don't have approval nor have we been assigned an officer yet.

The really frustrating part is being told that it is taking about 90 days from the time your application was received which would technically put us at around May before we get our approval. Every. Single. Day. I call, and every, single, day, I am told the exact same thing. It's there, but is still waiting in que.

So, you can imagine my anger, frustration, and utter disappointment when I hear of other adoptive families who were fingerprinted AFTER us getting their approvals BEFORE us and even sending their dossiers to China this week. And of course when I tell immigration this, they don't know how that is even possible since everything is done in order of when the applications were received. They assure me that it just isn't possible an the other families must be mistaken. Really? Because I am sure there is no way to be mistaken when you get the final document you need to send your dossier to China. The final document that is keeping you from being able to breath a sigh of relief knowing that you are one step, one huge, ginormous step closer to your child.

If all would have went as planned, we would be waiting on our LOA right now, or may have even had it by now. When we started this process last fall, our goal was to be DTC by January with hopes of traveling in summer. Now, with all the set backs and delays, we will be lucky to go early fall. Do you see why I am so frustrated?

There are days when I feel like kicking and screaming. There are days when I feel like crying. And yes, there are days when I can't help but question this whole darn process. I can't help but wonder if we are indeed on the right path. It's hard not to question when I think of all the roadblocks we have encountered, the hurdles we have jumped, and the brick walls we have run into head on. These have to be tests. Tests of our faith. Tests of our commitment. I sure hope we are passing, because I really don't think I could handle failing Him.

Adopting from China is something I dreamed of doing someday. I had visions of a daughter with eyes the shapes of almonds that disappeared when she smiled. She would have silky, black hair as dark as the night. The first pictures I ever saw of Mylee caught me off guard. Staring back at me from my computer was the almond eyes I dreamed about. I knew instantly she was our daughter. How could she not be, she was the little girl in my dream. On our flight home, I knew in my head our family was complete, but my heart was already telling me something else.

Fast forward to now and we are approaching our 1 year anniversary of bringing Drew and Jaxon home. Never in a million years did I think we would have 6 kids, let alone 7. And adding an older child to our family was NEVER in the picture, until we saw Jaxon's picture. Something in his eyes spoke to me and told me everything would be okay. So we really stepped out in faith on his adoption, and honestly, I wouldn't change anything about it.

I knew we weren't done with them. I felt it deep within my bones we had another daughter waiting for us, and I knew when I saw Keliah's pictures that she was our daughter. I remember sitting with a friend watching videos of Keliah dancing tearing up and telling her "this is our daughter, she is meant for our family." This was before I even approached Matt about the possibility.

I don't feel like I can talk to many people about my frustrations and fears. The only ones who truly get it are those who have or are walking in our shoes. Most of our friends and family think we are crazy. That's okay though, because we know we are. They don't understand why we would put ourselves through this again and again. The roller coaster of emotions. The financial stress it puts on us and our kids. The everyday life of having 6 kids. I don't know how to really answer them other than it is so worth it. The feeling of being handed your child (Mylee) you have dreamed of for years erases all the stress and emotions. The feeling of seeing your son (Drew) run to you saying "mama" as he wraps his arms around you for the first time erases the feelings of doubt. The feelings of seeing your son (Jaxon) petrified of leaving the only life and family he has ever known is worth the unknowns.

Through all of the emotions, the stresses, and the uncertainties, there is one thing that has remained constant. Our faith.

It was our faith that turned our dream into a reality when we brought Mylee home.

It was our faith that led us back to China for a son who is the most loving little boy.
Yager 2--3225

It was our faith that opened our eyes to the possibilities of adopting an older child, one that has blossomed before our eyes.

It is our faith that will see us through in bringing Keliah home. It is He who will be there with us riding the roller coasters, jumping over the hurdles, and knocking down the walls. It is He who will be there when we are united with our daughter.
january update 2

So, with everything going on I am asking you to please send up a few prayers for us. He will know exactly what you are praying for. He will hear your prayers as He has heard them before.

I am So excited to launch our next fundraiser. I should have it up and running by the end of the week.


TanyaLea said...

Just another case-in-point that journey of adoption is not for the faint at heart. Your strength to press on is wonderful to see, despite all of the road blocks the enemy brings your way to try and throw you off course. Praising God that HE will see you through this and that Keliah WILL come home. Maybe later than expected... but HOME nonetheless. We will certainly be praying for you and your family, Mandi! Sending hugs and love your way!!


Rita said...

We can relate sooo well to your situation. If it makes you feel any better, we just now had dossier to China and our deadline was in November! We were also told by our agency when they gave us that date, not to sweat it as the officials knew as well as our agency that it was basically impossible to make. We took their word for it and just worked as fast as everyone else would allow us. We waited on everything, but finally the day arrived that all was complete. We lift you up and know that grace will be extended and you will get there in His timing. We all know how worth it it is! You are soo right in saying all this melts away when they are in your arms and in your forever family! We look forward to the day that happens and we'll all rejoice with you!! In the meantime, hang in there!

The Beauchamp's said...

Hi Mandi,

We know exactly what you mean about the 797. I think we applied and they received it on December 29th. That was the last document we were waiting on for our dossier and we finally got it from USCIS about 2 1/2 weeks ago and finally got it back from our consulate yesterday. That is exactly three months to get it back and get it certified and authenticated. We were totally frustrated with the whole thing. However we know that God loves our waiting son more than we do and we just keep telling ourselves that His timing is perfect. He knows the exact right moment for our son to be in our arms. I think that helped me to think about but I don't know if that helpled my husband much. lol. It is definitely a test of faith and through those tests He is developing godly character in us. Patience being one of those things. James 1:2-4 says "...count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be complete, lacking nothing." As much as I really dislike trials I am also grateful for them because I know the Lord wants me to lack nothing. He wants the best for me. Adoption is absolutely a time of testing and building our faith. "You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You." Isaiah 26:3 I pray that you would be at perfect peace because you trust in Him.


Lori said...

Oh Mandi...I am so sorry you are dealing with all these delays. It is SO frustrating...especially when it's over things that SHOULD happen quickly.

I've already been praying for you this morning.

Just know that God is in control and doesn't waste a single minute as you wait. He IS at work, even if you don't see it.

Love you, friend!

Anonymous said...

I get it! We are in a similar boat except it's waiting for child abuse clearances from a bunch of states so we can complete our home study. We are a month past when I thought/was told we would have our dossier logged in. It's frustrating and patience trying!

Jolene said...

I am praying for you! Our homestudy agency is taking their sweet.sweet.time and its taking way too long for this mama!

I realized the other night after an ugly meltdown that I'd done it again. What was "it"? Trying to control everything and not handing over the worry to God.

He gently picks me back up, holds me tenderly and tells me yet again that its His job to worry and fret and work out all the hidden details. A sparrow cannot fall in the middle of Iowa without Him knowing about it.

He's right once again that I need to put my worry in his lap so he can cast it into the depths of the sea.

Shelly and Family said...

Hi Mandi! Let me know if I can help you guys out again with your fund raising!

Sincerely, Shell

Tara Anderson said...

Mandi, I know it's hard. I just want to encourage you. You know how great it is once you get to the "other side" and that day IS coming soon! Your precious daughter IS on her way home...even if it is at a slower pace than you would like.

Alyson said...

I can totally "feel you"! Our process is going at snail pace! I keep reminding myself that God will move those mountains!! Also, God sees the BIG picture. It could be so many reasons why He's allowing our process to go slow...but I totally understand...all I think about is that our little girl is just waiting this whole time. I thought we might would travel by the fall and now I'm thinking that it won't be until next year!

In a sermon at church recently, I've been encouraged to pray BOLD prayers and have FAITH that HE will answer them! Always remembering that His answers could be answered yes, no, wait, grow.

This was a beautiful post and as I know you know, it will all be worth it in the end again. Praying for you!! XOXO

Anonymous said...

Hang in there Manda, it's all part of His plan for one reason or another. I'll send extra prayers up for you all but I'm sure He is hard at work on things you wouldn't never imagine.
Keep the faith and spread the love,
Jennifer Ford

Anonymous said...

Maria-Elena said...

I can so understand your frustration. We are in the same position.

Where is Keliah living at present. The Special Focus child we are adopting is in Fuzhou SWI.

All the best to you!