Before reading this post, you may want to read the April 8th post to get you caught up.
Sorry, I know I said in my earlier post that this was going to be a two part story, but there is just so much to share, that I am going to have to break it up. I am hoping to have the whole story up here by the end of today.
To say that I was devastated is putting it mildly. As I was on the phone with our case manager, I was also in the middle of packing to take Mylee back to the hospital for her sedated cast change, Matt was just getting home from work, and the kids were getting off the bus. I was only half listening as she suggested that we look at a couple other files she had. I remember her saying that she would e-mail me what she had and that on Friday a new list of kids would be added to the list. At this point I was just ready to get off the phone, I was so tired of looking at files of kids, and get on the road. Matt was just walking in the door and immediately asked if I had sent in our LOI. I explained to him what I had been told from our case manager and he too was upset.
As my friend and I drove to Indy I kept telling myself that as upset as I was, the important thing to remember was that he was going to have a family, and that he was not meant for our family. I knew from our journey to Mylee that this was all in God's hands and He had a plan for us. Maybe it was to adopt again, maybe not. The one thing I was sure of was that I had faith and absolute confirmation that He was in control.
At the same time I was "grieving" that we were not going to be his family, a part of me was also relieved. I remember the first time I opened Mylee's picture, I knew without a doubt she was our daughter. But with this little guy as much as I wanted him to be ours, I just did not have that same connection. I even spoke with some other adoptive moms of boys thinking that maybe it was because he was a boy. Whatever the reason, there was nothing I could do about it now.
After vowing NOT to look at anymore files for awhile, Matt and I did decide to move forward with submitting our paperwork and getting our home study updated. A few days later it was Friday, and I remembered what our case manager said about getting updated lists of waiting kids. All morning I literally forced myself not to go to their site. But by mid afternoon, my curiosity had gotten the best of me. I logged onto WACAP's waiting kids list and began scrolling down. There were few new faces on there, but mostly girls or kids with special needs more than what we felt we could handle. (We were certain that we wanted a boy around 3 or 4 this time. With an eight year age difference between Blake and Gabe, we really wanted a boy closer to Gabe's age). About half way through the list I came across a little boy that was about to turn three and was just adorable. I quickly read through his short bio and called our case manager at WACAP. I expressed my interest in him and she said that based on the information we shared with her about what special needs we would consider, that he was probably too much for us to handle. I was content with that and told her not to worry about it.
All weekend long I could NOT get this little guys picture out of my head. He was absolutely adorable. And although I did not know the extent of his special need, I felt that I just HAD to review his file. So, after discussing it with Matt, I e-mailed WACAP on a Sunday evening asking for his file (I wanted it to be in their inbox first thing Monday morning). In my e-mail I explained that although she felt we were not equipped for his special needs, I had this overwhelming need to pursue his file. Words cannot express how strongly I was being pulled to this little boy.
On Monday afternoon(they are 3 hours behind us), I received an e-mail back saying that she had attached his "short file" and that she would have his entire file pulled and e-mailed to us later that day. I opened the file to two very large pictures of him. Have I mentioned how cute he is? Anyway, as I read his file over and over, I was not finding a whole lot that would indicate that what the agency had suspected was one of his special needs. Later that afternoon I received the whole file which stated that he was in foster care in Beijing, that he was about to turn 3, and listed several medical issues that he had/has. He had several issues that I was not familiar with so I Googled those that were foreign to me. I was waiting for this big red flag to pop up to confirm that he was more than we could handle. Nothing from what I was seeing. I called Matt and work, shared with him the information I was able to get and he said it was okay to gt his files sent to some doctors. That same afternoon I sent his medical file to an adoption specialist at Riley Children's Hospital, our local Pediatrician, and to some family and friends who are in the medical field. Then I waited....